The recent announcement of pundit Stephen Colbert running for president has spawned local classroom comedian, David Copeland, professor of communications, to announce his presidential candidacy as well.

During the press conference yesterday, he showed up in his signature suit and sandals. It was a relaxed look for a relaxed candidate.

“I’ve got nothing to worry about,” he said. “Who wouldn’t vote for me?”

The suit and sandals look is sure to catch on with impressional political activists. In fact, it will be bigger than The Beatles, Crocs or wearing Ugg boots with mini skirts, according to his stylist.

He then continued the rest of the press conference as his alter ego, Dr. Evil. “Why make trillions if we could make billions,” he said with pinky raised to the corner of his mouth, reflecting on the current economic situation.

If elected, Copeland plans to run with either Jack Fulk or Richard Thomas, the founders of Bojangles fast food restaurants, depending on who donates the most chicken ‘n’ biscuits to his cause.

“They started from nothing,” Copeland said. “And look where they are now. I think they will be able to offer the most financial stability to my campaign.”

As part of his platform, Copeland plans to re-open the O.J. Simpson case with a Grand Jury to finally get to the bottom of the case. It’s something he considers one of the top-five most influential media stories that has plagued the nation.

Forget the Iraq war. Forget the War on Drugs. Simpson is what really plagues the nation.

Not only is Simpson a major issue to Copeland, but so is the lack of respect for balding Americans, the mop-top challenged, if you will.

“Show us some love,” he said. “We are people too.”

Copeland plans to lower taxes, expanding the economy and eliminating the designated hitter in baseball.

“It’s just unnecessary,” he said. “Like leashes for small children.”

This comment spurred a rant about how lazy parents shouldn’t be allowed to walk around with children on leashes like dogs.

Even though college students are a million strong for Colbert and other real presidential candidates are more soundly backed by older Americans, Copeland has the loyal support of 12 Elon students who, according to their Facebook group, believe he is a god. With these 12 students, Copeland will take control of the nation one classroom at a time. Don’t confuse this Copeland with the David Copeland who writes books about finding success with women in bed. However, he’s willing to give his version of the birds and the bees if you are interested.

Staff: - 10/31/07