Just imagine if our generation started writing like we speak everyday. What if the newspaper was filled with giant run on sentences that could probably span multiple pages. There is one word to blame for this dominating speech pattern. Like.

Last month there was an article in The Pendulum regarding campus safety: let’s see how it would sound if it were written the way we speak.

So like, campus security is like, getting super intense this year. Like, they added like, four new officers and like, a bunch of other stuff to make Elon like, safer.

[Please note the first problem this style of writing would cause. I have no idea how you would punctuate this story, I assume commas after every use of the word like, but that’s just a guess.]

And like, you’re going to see like, a lot more police around on campus now. And like, they have like, bikes and stuff and like, this new “It” car that’s like electric and Canadian.

Like, the Director of like, Campus Security and stuff was like, “the campus and community are changing,” and like.

“There’s the new bypass and [the area] is becoming more urban…” which is like, a big deal. [If there was a dialogue here between two people and not just one man speaking, this could have gone on for like, another two pages by itself]

And like, there are like these new cameras by like the stadium and like, the law school and like, the tram paths. And like, that’s just like the start if it because they’re going to put this stuff like, everywhere.

[This is the point where the copy editors are banging their heads into the table hoping for this column to end or for them to lose consciousness. I’m sure they would be satisfied with either outcome.]

And like, there is like, this new system thing so like, our police can like, talk to all these other police in like Greensboro and High Point. [Notice how the word “and” is also a culprit in this form of speaking? It starts every sentence, if you can call them sentences.]

And like, that’s like, a big improvement because before like, Elon only had like, one station for like everything.

And like, the security guy was like, this is really important for like, emergencies and other things. [If you get someone talking about a girl or guy they are interested in and they speak like this, run.

If you do not, cancel your plans for the rest of the day because it is going to go on for a long time. All they will say is, “And I was like, and he was like, and it was like…” There is no end.]

That was all I could manage in recreating this story because I was afraid my head was going to explode and I feared the same thing would happen to those reading.

And I didn’t even get into how, like, people end up spending 20 minutes on a story that should be, like, five.

Staff: - 10/10/07