A sweater that was being knit by Betty Sue, 72, for the past four years was not really vandalized, say police.

Betty Sue had reported to officers that her sweater, that she plans to give her great-nephew despite his being several sizes larger since she started, had been vandalized by "a local bunch of rowdies."

Police investigators, however, concurred that no vandalism occurred. Rather, an overexcited visitor at one of Betty’s regular tea parties had spilled some Earl Grey on the sweater while Betty was out of the room, getting her favorite tea cozy.

The visitor, who wishes to remain nameless, told The Pendulum, "The sweater wasn’t that good anyway.

"The snowflakes were asymmetrical. What’s the point in trying to sew snowflakes if they don’t follow the rules of snowflakes?"

"Now, Betty will have more time to do something intellectually stimulating like crossword puzzles or reminiscing about the days when George Wallace ran for President."

Feeling guilty, the visitor lied about her spill, and blamed it on "those fool children who always loiter about the yard next door," believing that Betty would quickly forget about the incident.

At a recent forum about adding classes to the philosophy department, philosophy/ethics professor Dr. Larry Curly Moe described the visitor’s white lie as being a "Gray area, morally speaking." Several groans were audible from the audience.

Upon Betty’s return, she dropped the tea cozy in horror and a fit of arthritis. The arthritis could be cured by Motrin B, but according to Betty, "the horror will never leave me. God bless George Wallace."

When informed of the visitor’s duplicity, Betty could only reply with blank shock and had to be reminded twice about what the sweater was and who her friend was before she seemed to understand the severity of the situation.

Her reaction was to quickly take three of her four Thursday pills (the fourth was for after dinner), a brief nap and then to call the police to tell them that something horrible happened to her sweater and George Wallace was shot.

Betty is the grandmother of a man who once met the cousin of Dean Sara Lou of the home economics’s department’s long-lost brother’s fishing buddy at the Burlington train stop.

Dean Sara Lou issued a press release declaring the stained sweater, "A loss for the Elon community, much like Wake Forest losing Ernie Nestor.

"In related news, basketball tickets go on sale in just six months, and I will be the first to offer a slightly discounted ticket to Betty."